HERE & NOW
words by nikki fenix
photos by nikki and jonny fenix
‘LET IT GO’ …….. it slips off the tongue so easily, its a modern catch phrase, but I've found letting go is more complex than those three little words imply. Of course, nothing worthwhile is ever easy and true transformation begins with the INTENTION. Becoming AWARE is the beginning, the spark that lights the way to being present, HERE and NOW. So, it's a process, duh - as an adult you realize all good things take time and require effort, though current culture, which is so deeply invested in immediacy has us believing otherwise.
To let go I had to begin with my past, it took me awhile to realize that I was still identifying so much with the girl I no longer was. For many years I was a fashion editor, then freelance stylist, I had lived in several cities, I often traveled to exotic locations, got paid ridiculous money, collaborated with creative people, was always out and about, all whilst wearing very high heels! Now I lived in Portland on a quiet suburban street, where I knew very few people, had two little girls, was trying to be a photographer and turned 40. I had made very conscious choices to create more meaningful work, to be in nature, own a home, grow a garden, be in a conscious community and be a committed mother, but it took me time to catch up with myself and land in my own life. I felt lost.
So I began to really breathe, slow right down to stillness, do yoga, meditate, read books and seek out inspiration, wisdom and teachers. It was a pathway where each step led to the next. So many truths came to me once I was actively looking but one that stands out is “here in the present moment everything is always ok” - it's ridiculously simple and true. Right now if you look around you, hear the birds, look at the sky, inhale the air, kiss your child’s face - everything is fine. The past is gone and the future with all its unknowns is not here.
Every step you’ve made has led you to this place in your story. Worry is such a useless activity because it doesn’t change what is. By living in each moment fully, dropping expectations and attachments we effectively inform the next moment and so on. That is the best way to create the life we want to live, moment to moment. If we can arrive fully in the HERE and NOW we can quiet the endless noise of the mind, the distractions of the world, allowing our inner voice and intuitive nature to be heard guiding us forward. I really believe within is everything we need to know, we have our own answers.
Letting go of the previous chapter of my story led me further into realizing the need to let go of old ideas and habits, childhood wounds and suppressed issues. After all, everything we have experienced, the hurts and joys - we have felt deeply, so they exist in a very real way intertwined within our body, mind and spirit. This old “stuff" needs to be cleared in order to really show up as the updated, present version of ourselves. In my journey whenever I have had physical pain I've eventually connected it to an emotional cause that needs attention and acknowledgement which then allows for clearing and yet more LETTING GO.
So yeah, it's an ongoing process, it's a life’s work really, hopefully my creative masterpiece will eventually be myself and in the mean time, as long as I keep pulling myself back into the present moment, the NOW, everything is ok.
Originally from Sydney, Australia, Nikki has lived in places like NYC and LA before settling down in her current home in Portland, OR. Nikki is mom to her two daughters Brave and True, wife to Jonny and is a photographer, writer and a spiritual magic being. Nikki is the creator behind The Lovelies Project - featuring the wisdom of ordinary women being their extraordinary selves (on IG @theloveliesproject), and founder behind travel blog Wanderesque